I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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