The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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