Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
