this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
