I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Randomize
