I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
