I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Just high enough for therapy.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
