wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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