I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I think your dad took our porno
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
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