I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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