Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
