I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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