I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
