Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
smell my finger.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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