We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
