True but thats because hes a fetus.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
