the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
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Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
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Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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