Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Randomize
