the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
