And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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