I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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