i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
