Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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