Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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