He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
