I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
