i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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