tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize