Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You ruined the universe
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
