My room smells like vodka and shame
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
