My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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