hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
