Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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