i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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