I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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