I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
