If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
