The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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