he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
