My sheets look like a crime scene.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
