i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
