I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
