Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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