my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
my being single is dangerous.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
