My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
