Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
