I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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