So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
