nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
