I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
