the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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