There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
