is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
