my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
