I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
