She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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