If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
